The Doctor's site of geek stuff and general shite.

Best and worst weekend cars for that mid-life crisis.

The worst....

What on earth possesses a middle aged balding man with a beer-gut to feel the need to drive circuits of the town in an ageing (un-badged) BMW 318 poverty-spec convertible? Also usually sporting a crap personalised number-plate to hide its age. Taking the badges off will fool no-one. With one tiny exhaust pipe and tyres like doughnuts even pensioners will rumble you.

Worse than that even is the same type of bloke in a woman's convertible eg. Peugeot CC, Mini, Megane etc. Complete with purple shopping-channel sunglasses and James Blunt playing on his stereo. I'm afraid you don't look how you think. It's sad beyond belief.

No wonder your kid says "don't pick me up from school, I'll walk the 12 miles I, er, need the excercise"

Worst sad cars for middle aged men:

1) Anything French   2) MG TF    3) KA   4) BMW 318   5) MX5   6) Audi TT   7) Merc CLK

The, er, better ones...

The first step is accepting that you are always going to look like a bellend but it can be minimised with the right choice of vehicle. Once you have taken this on board you can look forward to some happy motoring.

Many middle aged men who wish to hide their shame behind a visor go for a turbo-nutter bike option, but for the ones that like their limbs and internal organs complete, operational and more importantly still attached, cars are always a healthier option.

The Bellend rating system:  1 to 10 in units of how much a Bellend you look in the eyes of onlookers.

10 is an advanced state of Bellend-dom while 1 is only mildly stupid-looking.

Porsche Boxster:        Predictable choice.                                   Bellend rating 8. (10 with top down)

BMW Z4:                  A bit girly.                                               Bellend rating 7. (9 with top down)

BMW M3:                 Ok if not convertible.                                Coupe 4 Convertible with top down 9. In yellow 10.5.

Cateram 7:               Hard core.  Manly.                                    Bellend rating 2.

Mitsubishi Evo           Be worshipped by Chavs everywhere.          Bellend rating 4.

Subaru Impeza          Be worshipped by more Chavs.                   Bellend rating 5. (8 with rally stickers)!!

TVR (Any)                 Doesn't count because it won't start.

Lotus Elise/Exige       Hard core, but predictable choice.               Bellend rating 3. (8 with top down).

Mini Cooper S           Just threw that one in to see if you're paying attention.

(Based on standard male of 45 with thinning hair, no moustache, small beer-gut and dressed by Millets/Burtons/Wife/Xmas presents).

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                                               Peugeot CC Owners Club.... I think I've made my point.

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Things that make me go Hmmmmm!

#1    People who drive down the motorway with their convertible tops down when the temperature is close to absolute zero..

These people are usually 50+ and can be driving anything from a lowly MG TF to an old Mercedes. They all have one thing in common, they all wear balaclavas/hats/gloves and look like they're freezing their nadgers off.  Is this what I have to look forward to when I'm older, before the blessed relief of death? Is there something I'm not getting here? If you watched your telly on a settee outside or had barbecues in January, people would think you were clinically insane, so how come when they are pottering down the motorway dressed in more insulation than an immersion heater, its only me who thinks they're barmy? 

#2   Classic cars.

As soon as the sun pops its head out, there they are, chugging along the A-roads with their crap classic cars and wearing Chubby-Brown goggles. They've spent the entire winter locked in their workshops boiling their ball-joints and polishing their manifolds with a toothbrush while their long-suffering wives were bonking the coalman. These are the sort of blokes who subscribe to 'SU Carburettor Monthly' and go on about the 'great British sports car'. There wasn't one! Look, nobody gives a damn whether it is a genuine 1963 Smogmaster Deluxe GT V8 convertible, with triangular combustion chambers and a Walnut prop-shaft.

 The erratic British weather can be a problem for these cars too, while baldy gay-looking bloke in the woman's convertible smartly puts his woman's-car roof up in 30 seconds, classic car man needs a week off work to erect 40 pounds of cloth and mild steel girders, by which time it's stopped raining and his car is now a pile of orange powder.  Do us a favour classic car man, next time you find that crusty 1945 Spermflange V8 in an abandoned barn. leave it there!

Above. The welder's best mate.

#3 Cyclists that go through red lights.

There you are, patiently waiting at the lights when some moron on a bike potters past you and wanders through the junction while the lights are on red. You're just willing a HGV to drive over the twat. If you're stupid enough to wind down the window when you catch them up and say something you get a mouthful of abuse. One nearly hit the side of my car recently on a traffic light controlled roundabout after entering on red and had the cheek to shout at me! It was at that moment I understood why some people set others on fire.

#4 Owners clubs.

#5 Collectors.