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MY LIFE IN CARS BY DR. A. BELLEND.

Austin Princess 1800L 1982-83. 60 BHP 0-60 about 14 sec. Known as 'the cheese wedge' by most people, this was purchased from my parents for £10 per week when I was 19. People rate the Princess as an example of the British car industry at its worst, but it never gave me any problems and I couldn't complain about it. I 'modified' it with some very nice seats from a crashed HLS model I found at the scrap-yard. There were a few bloodstains on them but they scrubbed out. It's a good job I had no sense of style because blue seats in an orange car really must have looked dreadful. Another 'cool' addition was some 'alloy effect' wheel trims. I lost 2 however so I had 2 normal ones on one side and 2 of the 'alloy' ones on the other. So what? Who can see both sides at once?
Triumph TR7 2 Litre. 1983-84. 100 BHP 0-60 10 sec. My first leap into 'performance motoring' and another terrible example of the rubbish our car industry turned out. Again though, this never let me down and I have no bad memories of it. The one thing you had to get used to when entering into TR7 ownership is that everyone suddenly knows someone else whose TR7 went on fire or whose pistons came though the bonnet, and boy do they love to tell you, whether it was true or not. Although you put this down to jealousy at the time, it did stick in your mind and you were always careful not to rev it too hard! Unfortunately its perceived 'performance' was not as I expected and my mate's Fiat 1.6 blew it into the weeds regularly.
Mark 1 Golf GTI. 1984-85. 110 BHP 0-60 8.5 sec. Despite advice not to buy a foreign car (I've always been an arrogant know-it-all), I purchased what turned out to be one hell of a good car and a future icon of the motor world. This was a pristine example and I had a lot of fun in it. It was so unlike anything I had ever driven before, the engine revved like a turbine and it handled brilliantly. Unfortunately, later on, events in my life took a sudden downward turn and I was left broke and car-less.
Escort MK 2 Van. (My motoring nadir) 1986. 0.2 BHP 0-60 N/A In 1986 I went self employed and this was all I could afford. An Ex-BT van with about a million miles on the clock and a hole by the accelerator pedal that you could see the wheel through. In winter snow came through the hole, propelled by the front wheel and dropped on your foot. I eventually bodged a piece of hardboard in place to stop this happening. Then, in the middle of winter the heater blower packed up. You had to wear a thick coat, and scrape the ice off the inside as you drove along - not much fun. I eventually bodged on an enormous electric blower from a Skoda engine which plugged into the fag-lighter and was plumbed in with Hoover - pipe. This got me all warm and toasty again
Escort 1.1 (Later modified to 1.3 sport) 1986. About 70 BHP 0-60 13 sec. This started life as a 1.1 Popular, but I managed to do an engine transplant in my girlfriend's dad's garage and replaced it with a 1.3 Sport engine. This was on a different planet to the old engine and gave it a lot more 'go', I really should have updated the brakes as well though, but I was too busy nailing on a rear spoiler and lots of Cibie spotlights to the front. This engine transplant meant you now couldn't buy an exhaust to fit this now 'mongrel' car so I built one out of several bits I had lying around. I pity its subsequent owners trying to get one to match. Good fun car. I remember Go West, 'We close our eyes' on the tape player....
Fiat Mirafiori 2000 TC Racing 87-88. 110 BHP 0-60 9.6 sec. Dubbed 'the poor-man's RS2000' even though it had a better engine, 5 gears, low profile tyres and lots of other extras. It also sounded much better, emitting a brilliant rasp at about 2500 RPM. Unfortunately, like all Fiats of the time, it suffered from the dreaded tin-worm and as a result I don't think there are any living examples of this car left. Mine was bright orange, the same as this photo and a great car.

Ford Escort XR3i 88-88. 110 BHP 0-60 8.6 sec. Well, it's back to Ford and another motoring icon, the excellent XR3i. Ford took an ordinary Escort, gave it some nice alloys, spoilers, spotlights, lowered suspension, bigger brakes and a 1.6 fuel-injected CVH engine and created every boy racers (and man) racers' dream. It was affordable, looked good and went well. Unfortunately at this time I was given a Company car so it had to go... My beloved XR3i pictured next to the crappy company diesel Escort that replaced it.
The lost years. 1989 - 1997 This space is occupied by nine years of slow, crap diesel company cars, that I don't want to talk about.
Ford Sierra 1.6L Estate 1997-98. About 70 BHP 0-60 14 sec. Got the sack. Handed back Company car. Started a business with my mate who had also got the sack. We borrowed cars for a few weeks then I bought a red Sierra Estate. Back to basics again. I thought it was the 5 speed model because it had 5 gears on the gear-stick but I got stitched-up because when I had bought it and tried to engage 5th, it wasn't there, it was a 4 speed! This car did the trick for a while until we were making enough money to move on.
Ford Mondeo 1.8LX Diesel 1998-99. About 80 BHP 0-60 12 sec. The man on the car programme on the telly said "never buy a car from a man in a car park", "never pay cash" and "always check the sellers ID". This was a bit late because 2 days earlier I had bought this car from a dodgy-looking bloke that I didn't know from Adam, for cash in a car park! It dawned on me that I may have just shelled out two grand of my hard earned cash for a stolen motor. It took a week before I found the courage to do an HPI check, but amazingly it was clear. The only problem with the car was the fat lazy git who owned it had never done a minute of maintenance and it took ten minutes to start. A new set of glow-plugs later and a gallon of oil and we set off for many happy miles.
Ford Mondeo Mk2 1.8LX 1999. 113 BHP 0-60 10.7 sec Continuing with the Mondeo theme, we were making a bit more money so we invested in some nearly-new ones. Good, reliable comfy motors.
BMW 328SE 2000. 192 BHP 0-60 7.5 secs. Still working hard, and a trip to the BMW garage for a drool one day resulted in us ordering 2 of these, one in silver and mine here in black. These were de-chromed and had nice alloys and one of our customers who I unwittingly overtook called it a 'black missile'.
BMW 330Ci M sport 2002. 230 BHP 0-60 6.5 secs. Two years later it was back to the BMW man for a 330 Coupe. Still the best, most complete and satisfying car I have ever owned
BMW M3 Convertible 2004. 344 BHP 0.60 5.5 secs. Great car, very fast, brill colour. Unfortunately, being the colour it was, customers tended to notice and we got a few catty comments about them. It doesn't matter if you work for 27 hours non-stop for 4p, if you turn up in something like this, people are convinced that they are personally paying for it out of their next invoice. The top didn't come down much because being middle aged, male and heterosexual, I felt like a complete cock and I soon realised I should have bought the Coupe instead.
The businessmen.
Audi A4 Avante 2.0 litre turbo 2006. 200 BHP 0-60 7.5 secs. This is deliberately a bit less overt than the M3 and so doesn't evoke customer's jealousy quite as much. This was my first foray into Audi's domain. Again a great motor for motorway work with a 200BHP turbocharged lump under the bonnet. This was a bit of a shock after 6 cylinders and rear wheel drive though. Why not another BMW? - I couldn't find one that blew my skirt up even slightly when it was time to change the M3, so it was off to the Audi dealer down the road.
Audi S5 Quattro 2009. 350 BHP 0-60 5.0 secs. Well I got the BMW salesman's business card and I emailed him to arrange a test drive in the new M3. He never answered, so I trotted off back to Audi and thanks to him I ended up with a better car. This is just as fast, 4 wheel drive, has bigger wheels and makes the M3 look like a Mondeo. And it's 10K cheaper. Thanks Mr BMW salesman, I'll pop in again in a couple of years when you can advise me which is the best Audi to replace this one..
Audi RS5 Quattro 2011. 444 BHP 0.60 4.6 sec. Well this time I didn't bother even going to see the BMW man, so that email he never answered 7 years ago just got even more expensive. I currently drive this RS5 and it is excellent. I can't think of anything I could possibly fault with it.

Other cars I have owned 'for the weekend'.
Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution VIII. 276 BHP 0-60 5.5 secs. This was a great car, even though it wasn't one of the loony 'FQ' models. With 276 BHP in what amounted to a bean-tin, it went like stink and the whistle from the turbo was brilliant. I remember 2 young lads who couldn't have been older that 10 pointing at it at the traffic lights, and one said "That's a EVO, they're as fast af f*** !" Charming..

Subaru Impreza WRX STi Type UK. 276 BHP 0-60 5.2 secs. Possibly the car with the longest name ever, this is also a great car. The scoop on the bonnet dominates your view as you burn along with that distinctive flat four burble, enhanced of course by a four inch exhaust. I added the exhaust, rally stickers and Xenon HID headlights. Sold it in 2011 sadly.
Vauxhall Omega MV6 207 BHP 0-60 7.7 secs (top speed 151mph). This was purchased from West Yorkshire Police as a handy load lugger. Being ex-motorway-plod it was a powerful car. I can remember helping my mate move house and on my way up the M6 I had a race with some moron in a Mk 3 Golf GTi. I remember his face when he eventually moved over at 135 MPH to see me passing with a huge television filling the back of the car.
Chevolet Corvette C5. 350 BHP 0-60 4.7 secs (181 MPH). Undoubtably a match for any car I have ever owned including the RS5. Its whopping 5.7 litre engine and low weight made for a lively ride. Couple that with head turning looks, and a roof you can lift off and you have a car that you can really look like a cock in.
Volvo V70 T5. 285 BHP 0-60 6.5 secs. (Top speed 155 MPH limited). One of my unlikely favourite cars ever, and one I still own. The legendary Volvo T5. Again purchased from the Police, you soon realise why it has been their car of choice for years. Loads of space in the back for getting all manner of stuff in, and a great 2.5 Litre turbocharged engine up front. Coupled to plod-spec brakes and suspension this is an excellent car.