SHITBOXES

A WEBSITE WITH SOME THINGS ON IT.

Shit-boxes.

Contributions, from Dr Angus Bellend (UK), Dr Japseye (USA), and many others.

Some modified cars are great, but you won't see those here.....

	I think this was a Fiesta before it turned into some kind of Bird's Custard tribute.
	Boss Hogg still lives! Thanks to Dr Japseye, our correspondent from the country that brought us the Chicken Nugget. Here's a truck owned by someone who has one for a brain..
	I think he needs to ask for a refund on his home-spraying night-school course.
	A purple Impreza driven by a purple helmet....
	The owner of this Fiat Chunkychicken seems to have found in necessary to nail a heated towel rail and part of his central heating boiler to his vehicle. Interesting.
	Getting the bonnet 'power bulge' effect is easy. Simply place your spare wheel on top of the engine and get someone large to slam it a few times. Job done.
	I've been trying to get a photo of this heap of crap for 6 months but it's always been on the move. Had I crashed while scrabbling for my phone/camera thing my car would have ended up looking much like this. I couldn't believe my luck though when it recently appeared next to me at the petrol station. For some inexplicable reason this car appears to be driven by a normal looking woman who doesn't look mentally unwell at all. It must be her bloke's car.
	Thanks to roving reporter Doctor Japseye who found this spinner-clad receptacle of ordure in the Virgin Islands. Luckily wheel spinners haven't caught on very much in the UK, as we have a better class of moron here.
	An old timer that should really have been recycled into Heinz Ravioli tins several times over by now. This was already an old shagger when I was an embryo. What it needs is some car geek to spend several years restoring it to its former glory so people can still be completely uninterested in it.
	Either he's got a very dirty exhaust or he ran out of black paint.
	You will rarely see a good performance car in America and this effort continues that trend. I don't know whether it's supposed to look like 2 cars welded together or whether it's supposed to look like a complete turd-box either for that matter, but it does it well.
	If you go into Motorworld, buy every shite accessory you can find and stick it onto a shite car this is the unavoidable result.
	This reminded me of a shirt I bought in the 80's. I later realised I looked a complete penis in it, pretty much like you would in this car.
	What you need on there is some more lights mate. This guy clearly doesn't think Ford fitted enough lights on his Mondeo, so he has 3 sets of indicators, a lightbar, 3 high level brake lights, 5 fog lights and some flashing LED strobes. He's obviously very important because it says 'SECURITY' in the back window. That's like putting a sign in the back saying 'I earn £3 an hour and sit at a desk for 12 hours a day trying to complete the Star crossword'.
	Back in 1989 some excited person picked up this gleaming new Ford Escort from the dealer and took it home to proudly display on their drive. The car shown is an example of the sad end that potentially awaits all the cars we cherish. It's best not to think about this when you're polishing your beloved motor next time. This car has a pathetic "please shoot me" look about it, and I for one would be happy to press the 'squash' button on the car crusher, to carry out its last wish to be turned into Spaghetti tins.
	Perhaps this is a jet-propelled Escort. Ford did experiment with them but they just kept setting fire to other vehicles when you parallel-parked.
	Honey I shrunk my chassis.
	Another interesting kit-car, the Heidelberg. Possibly the ugliest vehicle on the planet. I've stepped in things that look better than this.
	Nice er.. Aston mate, (stifled chuckles). Kit-car blokes have always been a strange bunch. I can accept that I probably won't ever own an Aston but clearly the same thought is too much to bear for this guy who's converted his MX5 into Noddy's Aston, complete with 1.8 litre engine. Can you imagine the shame of pulling up at the lights with your roof down and finding yourself alongside a real one? This would only pass for an Aston if you were Stevie Wonder.
	Something keeps reminding me of the bathroom suite at my first house... Anyway this isn't a bad looking car. The exhausts are interesting though. I wonder if they are that shape all the way to the engine? The sad thing is that this project probably cost more than a second hand M3 which is infinitely faster, has suspension and is worth something when you sell it. One of the better efforts though.
	One spoiler is not enough for this guy. Obviously he needs the extra downforce when he's flat out at 78mph in his 1.6 Escort. This is probably faster than the yellow chod below though.
	A Rover 220 (unmodified engine). Somebody with more pounds than brain cells. What on earth possessed this guy to build this? With all that crap bolted on it, it will be even slower than the snail-like standard 220, and it must have cost even more than an MP's monthly expenses to build. What did he end up with? A prehistoric pensioner's Rover that wouldn't pull the top off my Pot Noodle. Looks like a racing car, goes like a Kia.
	Some kind of garden-pest inspired creation. Like all garden pests, it needs executing.
	A Fiesta that looks like it's been modified with plasterboard, cement and pieces of scaffold pole. It'll be great when the builders finish it, honest.
	This is what happens if you buy a body kit for your 1.4 Focus then your dog eats the instructions. "Dave, I'm sure the black bit goes on the front"! He would have been better spending his job-seekers allowance on lowering that ridiculous suspension and fitting a decent exhaust instead of that 3 inch long pathetic bolt-on soup tin.
	This guy obviously thought his 5 tonne 6.2 litre V8 Hummer was too shy and retiring.
	The Astra Flymo tribute edition. Surely some malicious person did this to a bloke's car while he was in a coma or something. It couldn't be serious. Thanks to Dr Japeye's Brother in Law in Leicester. Home of Showaddywaddy I seem to recall.
	How do you increase the value of your Lada? Well it's not by welding a skip to the bottom and sticking a piece of bathroom turd-pipe to the rear.
	This Ford KA/snowplough conversion is nice. The owner has obviously gone for the 'ALDI plastic bucket' look. Note the EVO bonnet vents to cool that raging 65 BHP engine.
	What's this then? The Escort 1.6 Walnut-Whip edition?
	He must have been 'exhausted' after building that.
	There can't be a better argument against the menace of Communism than the Lada. Some brave soul has attempted the impossible here, although where the hell you get Lada tuning parts from is anyone's guess. Looking at it though, you probably can't get them.
	Thanks to Zaheer who sent me a load of photos of some of the worst pieces of crap ever seen, which will be featured in coming weeks. I look at this one and can't help thinking of that tribe who ram dinner-plates in their lower lips.
	This car is for sale and "turns more heads than Ferraris". Maybe, but so would a dog driving a bus. It doesn't necessarily mean it's a good thing. The Pug CC was not a good car to start with, being slow and French. It should have been left with its previous owner who probably ran a nail bar and was called Tracey. (It's a fair cop, I admit I added the 'Purple Helmet').
	This veritable flying machine has clearly taken some time to build. Someone normal would have had a 'wake up' moment half way through this build and realised that they were in fact, a bellend. This guy was obviously made of sterner stuff and persevered to produce a complete chod of a car. It's a pity he didn't get to the 1.6 'Popular' engine or the rear brake drums. Lets hope his council estate doesn't have speed bumps or he won't be going anywhere.
	What twisted sicko would do this to a poor XR2? The Fiesta Mk2 XR2 was a nice car. I had one. Why on earth would you want to make it look like a Klingon battle-cruiser and then pop-rivet your Mum's pedal-bin to its rear? The XR2's stylist must be rotating in his grave/big house.
	Honda for sale. Includes putrid 80's 3 spoke chrome alloys. One previous owner who didn't like having suspension so he took it off and threw it away.
	Do you remember when you built an Airfix kit and you had all the optional unused bits left over at the end? Did you ever save them up and try to build something ridiculous? I did, and it looked much like this bloke's car. I didn't have access to a blindfolded chimp to paint it though. This guy obviously did.
	An Escort Notworth. (anything). Now that's what I call a spoiler. Rear visibility may be a problem though, you could just about see a sheet of A4 edgewise if it happened to be driving behind you. Which it wouldn't be, er obviously.
	A 78 BHP Saxo Furio. Is it fast? No.
	Dr Japseye sent in this Camero that appears to have been repaired using toothpaste or flour-and-water glue.
	What's brown, nasty and found on footpaths? A lowered brush-painted dog-turd of a VW.
	Sumo Power huh? I thought Sumo's were fat and slow.
	Thanks to Dr Japseye for this wank yank tank.
	Someone's flame grilled Hyundai. It just shows, they're not all locked up yet.
	This guy has 'No Fear' of looking like a cock.
	Looks like an 80's bathroom suite on wheels. Those wheels are just what you need for showing off your rear drum-brakes.
	Only in Dr Japseye's country of residence could this happen.
	Does my bum look big in this? ...Well yes. Looks like someone's sawn their bath in half and nailed it to their Fiesta, then tried to paint it with one touch-up can. A fine improvement then.
	Ever wondered how shitboxes form? They are by nature very shy creatures and it's very rare to see one in its chrysalis state, where the normal family car is being metamorphosed into the box of shit. Here is a rare photo of one in its transitional period. This period always seems to involve the embryonic shitbox turning grey, due to some as yet unknown chemical process. Here we can see the arches beginning to bulge over the tiny wheels and the skinny exhaust suddenly becoming 4 times the size as it exits to the side. After a few more benefit cheques this will be a fully formed shitbox where it will be found grazing at the nearest McDonalds Drive-thru.
	Nice spoiler, shame about the car... This is a genuine spoiler, but unfortunately it's meant for attachment to the fire-breathing turbo-nutter-ASBO version of this car, the EVO. This granny version, complete with wheel-trims is like a pig wearing a dress.
	This Saxo appears to have sprouted fangs and has a radiator the size of the one in our lounge, or what is possibly a section of garden fence in there. The bodywork leaves a bit to be desired, you could change your plugs without lifting the bonnet, simply stick your arms through the gaps. Looks evil but would be left in the weeds by Mike Hunt the rep in his diesel Vectra. He probably wouldn't even put down his Ginster's Cajun Chicken dreadful rollup thing.
	Obviously a woman's car, but they usually have more sense. Then again it could be a bloke's. Probably a bloke who's girlfriend is called Dave.
	If you want to get noticed, paint your car the same colour as Dale Winton's face.
	The number-plate says it all. GHAAAAA! An odd target for modification. The full job though. Flames, spoiler, grilles, splitter, dual exhausts... and wheels off a settee.
	Taxi mate? Is it? It looks like a cereal box on castors. No thanks, I think I'll walk.
	You may have thought that Knight Rider had retired and was living in a rest-home for the bewildered. No, actually he's still out there solving crimes in the Crewe area. Here he is at a potential crime scene where Mr Wilkins' hedge-cutter has gone missing from his garage. It's quickly solved however as it had dropped behind the chest-freezer. Another mission accomplished for Michael Knight and his wonder-car KITT.
	Thanks to Dr Japseye for this brief glance of a camouflaged Calibra. Just as well it's on a normal road because if it had happened to be in a desert conflict situation it would have been completely invisible. Er, except for the lights. Obviously.
	IQ Test. You have a crappy clapped-out N-Reg Mitsubishi. Do you: a) Pay a scrap man to take it away. b) Leave the keys in and hope an escaped mental-patient will steal it. c) Saw it up and put it in your dust-bin over the next 6 months. d) Try to paint a Union Jack on it (bearing in mind it's Japanese). Wrong answer.
	Obviously a number-plate would have spoiled the effect... This guy seems to be trying to make his car look like 70's bathroom suite. P.S. Who needs a camera any more with the stunning quality of these new mobile-phone cameras? The detail is just breathtaking...
	The old Mini was crap. There, I've said it. I know it was years ahead of its time with its front wheel drive etc but that was 40 years ago, and they carried on making the same crap for the next 30 years. Austin/Rover/BL (or whatever they were called that year) thoughtfully injected all the body cavities with Conc Nitric Acid at the production stage ensuring that the paint was starting to bubble as you drove away from the showroom. After 2 weeks you'd be trying to get the headlamps to stay in with a mixture of filler and chicken wire. And of course if you modify something that's crap in the first place you end up with something like this. There aren't any good Minis. None. End of.
	The pensioner's favourite car crappily modified.... by its manufacturers! The Rover BRM was limited edition based on the Rover 200, (dreadful piece of crap). Released in 98 and withdrawn in 99 it is supposed to be based on a BRM Formula 1 car. It's enough to leave Graham Hill spinning in his grave with its puke-inducing orange grille and fake aluminium trim. The red leather seats and carpet are straight out of a bondage den! The launch price of this car was £18000! You would have had to be clinically insane to pay that for a dressed-up Rover 200 that's older than Jupiter. Several price reductions hastily followed however and they are still treasured today by a few enthusiastic morons.
	This granny-model Civic appears to have sprouted horns and I think he needs a new self-tapper in his crappy lop-sided exhaust modification.
	Another Escort in drag.
	This has to be included because it's so dismal. This white Astra has been 'transformed' into something special with the addition of a chunk of plastic, some blue stuff and two upturned pieces of chrome bathroom wastepipe, at different angles I might add. Just plain sad. At least it's easy to unscrew when he comes to sell it to somebody with a normally functioning brain.
	Ten years ago this Vectra was probably driven by a rep selling a range of piss-stones and associated urinal hardware while living life in the fast lane on Ginsters miserable petrol-station butties. Now it has a new life as a er.. racing car. This is where old company cars go to die, and it's a sad end for a once noble beast.
	6 Exhausts on an Astra? That'll be one for each BHP then. Someone appears to have glued the front and back of a bus on to this car.
	The bin is more useful, better looking and worth more.
	For Sale. Would suit someone who likes to look a complete cock.
	What??? There's something odd about this car. Could it be the gap above the front wheel that you could get Vanessa Feltz into? It seems to have been designed for something the size of a water wheel. The chicken wire grilles and shopping-trolley spoiler just add up to a complete dog's dinner of a car. What the hell is the scoop on the roof for? Could it be to duct cold air on to the driver's brain, or does it light up like a taxi, but with the word 'dick' instead, obviously.